Friday, November 5, 2010

What I really need is .....

... a nice, decent bout of 72-hour stomach flu.   Something that will make me lose about 10lbs in a week.
I will reluctantly admit that I am a bit chubby.  Not obese-fat, but nothing that losing 30lbs wouldn't hurt.  I am over the ideal weight, whatever that really means.




Well, what it means is that while my jeans do feel a bit tight, there is no way in hell that I am buying the next size up - that's what it really means.


Now some people, when they get a toothache, cannot eat properly.  Not me. I bravely - nay valiantly - work through all tooth pain and manage to squish or pulp my food so I can still stuff my little face.


Some people, when they feel rough, nauseous, or ill - well, they lose weight.  They can't stand the sight and smell of food.  Who are these people for godsake?  It's food!  Apparently though, they are "normal".


When pregnant, I was still throwing my guts up at 20-weeks.  But I fought on, ensuring that me and my growing tummy were not deprived of a few calories.  Unselfish to the core, that's me.


I've been off work for a few days this week with a bad back.  Nothing major, thankfully - but painful and awkward enough to prevent me from doing much at all.  Sharp pains under my shoulder blade take the breath out of me.  I've twisted or pulled something and it's just really annoying.  But it's not slimming.


I'm the kind of person who returns to work after a few days off sick and I look "healthier" - read rounder-faced.  Just for one day, I'd love someone to tell me I'm looking gaunt.


Despite switching from a standing position to laying prostate on the sofa flicking listlessly through the channels of some incredibly awful daytime TV (except for Extreme Makeover: Bawling-Your-Eyes-Out Home Edition), me and my bad back can still manage to haul my ass over to the pantry to rifle through the bowl of Halloween goodies.


It occurs to me this morning (feeling quite a bit better now thank you) that I have scoffed 21 mini bars of chocolate in the last three days.  Yes, 21.  I hang my head in shame - and my three chins and tummy follow.


Even the heavenly aroma of Rub-A535 (for my UK readers, it's like Deep Heat) or the tingling from funky patches can't thwart my appetite.
I would normally protesteth too much at this point and explain to you that I do know how to eat healthily.  I have a well-balanced diet - yes, yes, a glass of wine in one hand and a slice of cake in the other.  I eat well, I cover all my food groups, and you'd be impressed with my fibre-intake (and therefore my output, hee hee - OK, too much information).  I just seem to have an issue with portion control.  I love food.  Simple as that.  'Tis one of life's pleasures.


Now then  - you know when I mentioned that lovely warm weather the other week, and it snowed?


If I mention a 72-hour stomach flu now, will the karma fairies return and help me get back into those jeans?  OK, be careful what you wish for, and all that .... 


Have a happy, healthy and slimming week folks, and, sigh, if that doesn't work, we still have choccie in my cupboards.  See you in half an hour.

7 comments:

  1. In all my years of being overweight, I've never wished for 72 hours worth of flu. Nope, 24 hours max.
    Seriously, you mostly lose water, which is not good for you. You seem to lose weight, but it might not make much difference to your jeans.
    If it does, however, let me know and I'll zip across Alberta to breathe your air. But if that picture is of you in your jeans, you don't need to lose any weight.
    -- K

    Kay, Alberta, Canada
    An Unfittie's Guide to Adventurous Travel

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  2. Ha Kay - you know I'm only joking (sort of!). And I truly wish that were a picture of my derriere in the picture. That photo is courtesy of the internet - and I can only dream of buns like that!

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  3. Bad backs are no fun...hope its better soon!
    Flossie

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  4. Ouch! Bad backs are the worst! I hope it feels better soon... then you can take up speed-skating, running, skiing (your favourite! ;-)), mountain biking, etc...

    Mmmmm, fooooood.......

    (I hear ya!)

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  5. Thank you flossie and ms TB - much better today thanks.

    Now then, where did I put my diet coke and lettuce leaf?

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  6. How about a colonoscopy, I am sure you could lose those ten pounds no bother by having one?

    Gill

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  7. This made me giggle. I'm having the same trouble. My skinny sister in-law once told me that she stays slim by eating like everyone else but only ever drinking water. I like water. Like, once a day. Then I want some tea, or a glass of Ribena, or an occasional vodka and tonic. I'm not a robot.

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