Wednesday, April 6, 2011

12 Facts about Florida

This is a serious post and at no point are there any sweeping generalizations, glib observations or flippant comments.  Maybe.  If you are researching a trip to Florida, I'm your woman.  Search no more.  Here are 12 Facts about an Orlando-based holiday, told from a slightly winter-stir-crazy Albertan point of view.
FACT: Florida is always gorgeous and warm and sunny and everyone is always happy happy happy because of this.  
FACT: It never rains in Florida.  
Except for when they have terrific thunder storms and tornado warnings - and lightening shows that would rival any Disney fireworks display - with accompanying torrential 14-hour downpours, almost enough to set sail in your Arc.  The storms were large scale and slightly showy-offy to be honest.  But apart from that, it never rains.  
FACT: Long trousers are surplus to requirements.  
This is obviously because, as previously mentioned, it is always gorgeous and warm and sunny and it never rains.  Shorts are the suit de jour.  Toes breathe a sigh of relief in their flip-flops and shoulders and cleavage blush (or is that burn?) in strappy tops.  Ahhhh.


FACT: Florida is full of new and shiny cars.  There is no dirt, or rain, or snow or grit.
That every other vehicle on the road has been rented from Orlando Airport and no cars are over 12 months old may have something to do with this observation, but I prefer to view everyone as a proud and happy, shiny-vehicle owner. 


FACT:  Florida highways eat tyres.  
The beautifully smooth and pothole-less highways are littered with shredded rubber.  What are these guys doing?  I have never seen so many broken down and punctured cars sitting sadly at the side of the road.  I deduce it is the heat.  Or someone has been secretly firing nail guns from the sidelines.
FACT: Swimming pools are essential to life.


FACT: Florida is full of people from somewhere else.  
No-one is actually born in Florida.  Ever.  
The only creatures born in Florida are dolphins and killer whales who are "successfully" bred in captivity.  This creates enormous conflict in your author, who appreciates the educational efforts to enhance learning about them, but is overwhelmed by the slick commerciality of keeping these gorgeous creatures performing for their supper.  It brought tears to my eyes. 
FACT: Orlando is the land of make-believe.  
And shopping.  
And giant 6-foot Mice and Princesses.  And even Harry Potter has moved here now.
Reality is just a figment of your imagination.


FACT: Disney put glitter in the tarmac on the I-4.  
Truly, that road really sparkles.  This may be something to do with the composition of the heat-resistant black top or it could just be another sparkly Disney take-over bid.  
FACT: You can grow absolutely any plant or tree you want in Florida.  
It is green and lush and palm trees grow like weeds.  For a green-fingered and garden-loving displaced Brit living in frozen or parched Alberta - well, it just sticks in your throat really.  You lucky buggers. 
FACT: Olive Garden was invented just for me.
Salad and bread sticks anyone?  Yummo!
FACT: You cannot just visit one time.
It is a worm-hole of fun and warmth and escapism that sucks in us holiday-makers by the thousand, and leaves us wanting more.  Slick and commercial don't go halfway to explaining the allure of this peninsula.
There must be something in the air.  It makes you feel like a super-hero.

2 comments:

  1. Great post and piccies!

    It looks like you had a fab time.

    (jealous!)

    ReplyDelete

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